-Writing Remainders

last updated: February 21, 2010

Remaindered Ideas
February 21, 2010

With almost 1.5 years having past after starting this "writing" section, I have scribbled and jostled down many ideas and thoughts. A lot of these ideas have remained on paper and never been posted. As I sit here with a new year upon my shoulders, and (as of lately) a rare urge to write, I stare down at my paper of half hashed-out ideas and they stare back at me, passing through my retinas and burning holes in my cerebral cortex. Teasing and crushing my creative dignity.

I am not always able to flesh out an idea as much as I would like for a post, or half way through it is an idea I simply just don't like anymore. I feel like if I have not been able to do anything with these ideas by now, then I never will. It is time to start fresh again.
Whatever the case may be, I don't want them to fade completely into obscurity. Here are the top 12 Remaindered Ideas:

1) Toothpaste Back in Tube
Have you ever squeezed way too much toothpaste out of your tube? I can be frugal, and this type of thing bothers me to no end. Depending on how much came out you could save it in a ziplock bag, but obviously the most logical thing would be to get a funnel, safety goggles, and some compressed air. You can now re-insert that toothpaste where it belongs.

2) God, Bible, and a game of telephone
I originally really liked this idea. This was going to be another attempt at a comic, but my drawing abilities or lack thereof, greatly inhibited me from illustrating the point I was trying to get across. The title should make it pretty obvious as to what was going to happen.

3) 12 Steps Program
I became an alcoholic because I thought a program was going to build steps for my new house being built.

4) Esquilo Gordo
A true account of me and one of those bushy-tailed woodland rodents that climb trees, eat nuts, and terrorize the elderly. Most commonly known as a squirrel. I was never able to write words that truely captivated the awesomeness of this moment. So I didn't.

5) Sometimes, Things Work Out Okay Afterall
I thought Shakespeare should kick his "awful tragedy" style for a more accessible and friendly "sometimes things work okay" muse. Then I realized I had stop after only a few because of my lack of Shakespearean knowledge:

-It turns out Juliet's dad was cool with the idea, if Romeo's dad would pay for the wedding.

-Oedipus killed a bothersome messenger without listening to what he had to say, and had a long and healthy relationship with Jocasta based on love and trust. Then, he got some eyeglasses to correct his astigmatism.

-Macbeth suddenly realized it was all just a big misunderstanding and bought everybody ice cream.

6) Urine Silence
Without a doubt, all urinals have sweet spot you can hit that equate to pure silence and zero "reflection".

7) Make Your Only Appearance A Great One
Have you ever sat at a stoplight and looked at all the traffic and thought about how you just saw a person you will most likely never see again, someone who is just living their life and by some chance they ended up in the same exact place as you? Inevitably the light will turn green, and we will part ways. Good bye sweet prince.

8) Negative Ply Toilet Paper
Yeah, I'm not sure on that one. But I did doodle a very realistic roll of TP next to that idea!

9) "Fun Size" Candy Bars
Fun Size? Not true at all. Unless you are an ant.
An actual "fun" size would be 2 feet long. The little ones should be called "Bummer Bars"

10) Backward Elevators
Ramblings about how once you walk into an elevator you have to turn back around, at least in most cases. And other problems I saw with elevators.

11) MC Rhim3 Tim3
Shel Silverstein vs. Dr. Seuss in a rap battle, "8-Mile" style. This would have been the greteast thing to witness in the past century.
It would no doubt be posted on Youtube, and easily surpass 2+ million hits.

12) "Conan The Barber-aryan"
World-Class Champion Barber at day. Leader of an Arian race at night.

BONUS) To-Do: Write a Short Story
The rise and fall of the worlds greatest ventriloquist.

That time in history a while yonder, you know the one…
September 18, 2009

… it has that silly name.

The era being described is the time of 2000-2009, which will be remembered for the war on terror, fighting global warming and will be set to a soundtrack of “The Killers – Mr Brightside” and “Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire” and other similar sorts of songs that bombarded the airwaves during that time. The fashion will be fauxhawks, converse, aviators, faded/skinny/torn jeans, nu rave t-shirts, and over sized sunglasses. You will be dropping your kids off to parties themed like that in a couple decades time.

But the question is, in the future how are we going to refer to the earlier part of this century? The 2000-2009 era that is, as of this moment I have not heard of any consistent/lasting sayings in the media, or otherwise that define this decade. Maybe it is too soon to have a definitive name? I have personally wondered since the late 90’s , even before the year 2000 strolled its way into existence, what kind of name it would be stuck with.

We can look back in the past and easily refer to a moment in time as the 90’s (nineties), the 70’s (seventies), the 40’s (forties) and so forth, all the back to the 1900’s (nineteen-hundreds). Believe it or not (be sure and make a note) this nifty trick will work as far back as our records indicate. It is easy to say “back in the 1530’s (fifteen-thirties)”, “In the 1830’s when King Charles Felix was in reign..”.

I just feel there is something odd and uncomfortable about saying “the 2000’s” (two-thousands). But, doesn’t saying it that way imply the entire century? I don’t seem to be the only one who has this same question. Their are discussions all over the internet on what this decade needs to be/is going to be called.

I am not sure if the present time inhabitants are supposed to name the decade they are living in, maybe that’s something that can only be done by people far enough removed from the present to not know or remember what it was actually like and thusly be able to generalize it all down into a nickname. It could possibly be seen as the 1900’s remix.
Every fashion trend and fad imaginable from the 1900-2000 has been redone/remixed and slapped into this decade.

When it comes to getting it a name, could it be as simple as “the aughts”?
The Oh’s
The Age of iPod or
The Decade the Music Died?
Maybe the, Oh-no’s,
The decade that made everyone cynical, or best just forget it ever happened?

Pushing the naming scheme a little more into the extreme, some people feel that this entire decade was shaped by one tragic event, and they would like for these past 10 years to be forever known as the “9/11ies” (Nine-Eleventies). I for one do not feel that sticking an invented word such as “eleventies” into this equation is such a great idea, but it does say a lot about who we are in this period of time.

I believe that ultimately, in the end, we don’t get to decide what to call this decade. The people of 2050 do, or possibly VH-1 will decide for us and we’ll all hate it for the rest of time. Or it could be decided by… no, it will be VH-1 that decides our fate.

*This post has absolutely no scientific backing. Ingest at your own risk.
Will The Real Martian Please Stand-Up
July 24, 2009

We need to program artificial intelligence into robots that can function using some kind of unlimited or zero-point energy so they can take light year journeys across the depths of space.

The robots will be scientifically programmed to find a similar planet to Earth, and artificially raise (and protect) two human beings (”Adam and Eve”) from a random sample of male sperm and a female egg into adulthood. Then teach them wisely about conservation, fragile ecosystems, etc. and have them build a utopia. And the robot will always be watching, waiting.

If life fails again and humans die before they can escape their own undoing, then the robot will move on and try again with the knowledge it gained from the previous attempt and we, as a people will have another chance at greatness. And maybe, one day, it will work out perfectly. Could it be us?
5-7-5, or at least close to that...
March 3, 2009

Movies, great to watch
Some are good some are not so
Opinions vary

No matter the case
Enjoyed, Despised, or OK
They make great haiku’s

I am “the dude”..man
My rug was stolen from me
It tied the room together

The toe is wrapped up
It even has nail polish
Those damn Nihilist’s

Krogers coffee can
It contains the bowler Donny
Good night, my sweet prince.

______ The Big Lebowski
Strange noise in the night?
Things that you just can’t explain?
Who ya gonna call?

Do not cross the streams
Total protonic reversal
Thanks Egon, nice tip

_______ Ghostbusters
Rode with my lawyer
With a suitcase full of drugs
This is bat country

_______ Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
A bunch of turtles
Eat radioactive sludge
They kick Shredder’s ass.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Group of kids adventure
Pirate ship full of treasure
I want to do that

The Goonies
Young Kevin Bacon
Living underneath your feet
Please don’t make a move

Two guys drive a Pacer
Their show is now ruined..not!
Scooby-Doo ending

Wayne’s World
Pleasant trip in space
Landed on a world of apes
Damn you all to hell!

Planet of The Apes
So much frustration
A movie that plays backwards
He writes on himself

I picked the wrong day
to stop my sniffing of glue
Don’t call me Shirley

Advice of a Stranger
January 25, 2009

The following takes place on a beautiful, sunny, glorious evening. I was taking a joy ride on my bicycle, when I suddenly get a double tire blow-out. I was miles upon miles from home. Since I have not yet learned how to fly, I would resort to public transportation to get back home. A city bus. Public transportation is an important asset in our modern time. I just try to avoid it whenever possible, my experiences with it are usually not the best. But things change…

On public buses, under the right conditions, their is a phenomenon that can be witnessed. That is, a seat left empty in between each person. We can assume that this is to distance yourself from the person you presume to be a weirdo next to you. I think it instinctual to keep your space between strangers.

Upon entering the bus, the only seats available on this day were the “in-betweeny” seats. When situations like this arise, quick thinking is a must. You can either: A) Avoid sitting and to decide to stand. But this can be awkward, since there are perfectly good seats to sit on. B) Commit to sitting. But you must quickly, and without hesitation, scope out your best possible butt neighbors. C) Try to convince the driver that s/he could use a break, and that you would be more than happy to take over for them. I mean come on, the drivers have those air compression springy seats that look damn comfortable. I decided to with option B because I had been walking for awhile. I wanted to rest my legs, and I was still far from home. After paying my fare and receiving an energetically disgruntled “hello” from the driver, I began the task of scanning the horizon of the bus. Where will I choose to sit?

I was hoping for the seat in the very front next to do the door. That can be risky though, sometimes you get an overly chatty driver. But based on the greeting I received, I don’t think I would have had anything to worry about. But I glanced down and see that the seat I was hoping for was taken. The seat was occupied by what appeared to be a young college student. Backpack, the school colors of a local university, ipod in ears, sunglasses, and as relaxed as could be. My guess is he rode this same route everyday. Their was a tiny lady. She was carrying more sacks of groceries than her own body weight. Her beady eyes peering out the single opening between two paper bags, the seats around her full of her freshly purchased edibles. As my feet inch forward, my eyes continue the pan across the bus. A man and his son, a homeless guy sleeping, a Judy Bloom novel being read, a seat with an incredibly gross stain, a bunch of average look people going about there day.

Once my brain absorbed all this information it had gathered, I decided on my seat. Their, the empty one, next to sane looking elderly man with the window seat. He was very well dressed, brown fedora with a feather in it, slacks, dress shirt, argyle socks. This seemed like a logical choice. We exchanged “hello’s” and I took a seat right next to him. After several minutes he began talking to me about why he was riding the bus, and how because of the current economy he could no longer afford a car. Honestly, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t give him my complete attention. I was too distracted by the woman across from us, whose varicose veins looked like a road map of Northern Iowa.

The mans stop had arrived, time for him to exit. By this time the man had finished his storytelling, so he turned his head to look me, nodded, and stood up. He took a few steps forward, just past Iowa Legs, turned around to me and said very affirmatively. “Some advice, don’t wipe your arse with a broken bottle, and don’t wash your windows with a soft boiled egg.” Gee, thanks Pop. I will be sure to frame that and put it on my wall.
Maybe he was not so sane after all. I will continue to avoid city buses.
I'm Sorry, What Did You Say..
January 19, 2009

To whom it may concern,

I mustache you a question. Are you worried? I am worried. About wut you ask? The English language seems to be falling apart. Weather people reel lies it or not, many huge mcsteaks are made when they speak and write. For all intensive purposes, I believe it may be the crumbling and dumming down of the American educational system. Come to thank a vet, it is not just inproper useage of words, but lack of general knowledge in general. I mustache you a question, what is the porpoise of the current methodology used?

We need to scrap our current 1940’s based “industrial” form of lurning that encourages “cutthroat competition,” where students are more concerned over their class rankings and test scores than actual learning. Students are taught thousands of useless facts, that will be forgotten as soon as the next exam is over. Some wear our education system forgot the value of creativity, and inforce there own techniques. America minus well just scrap its methods of teaching and adopt a nuther system. How, you ask? Well I for one am not entirely sure. I do know however that the change will have to start at the bottom. Lets gopher it! If you feel the problem is magic alley going to fix its elf, then urinal lot of duh Nile!

Let the change begin, it depends on us! The higher ups are not not going to budge on there own!

It is mind bottling to think that it has gotten to this degree of severity. Lettuce hope we change for a better future!

Sin Cereally,
a former americanly educated student
Edible Numbers
January 13, 2009
Pringles are the best tasting hyperbolic paraboloid in existence.

Who would have thought deep-fried potato mush made such tasty mathematics? I may have done better in Algebra had my teacher used oddly shaped foods as teaching aids.

X= Banana + (Pretzel x Donut) / A potato shaped like a Tie-Fighter
Interstate Airway
December 18, 2008

Sometimes driving can get a little boring. To make things a little more exciting, imagine that all the cars traveling alongside you are like warplanes, and you’re all heading off to meet the enemy in an epic explosive aerial combat.

Sports cars are the high altitude stealth bombers. Big semi-trucks, cement mixers and tractors are bombers. SUVs are like multi-purpose ground attack planes. Little economy cars are the fighters.

It makes you look at people on the road differently. It’s as if you’re all on a team and makes it extra cool when a group of you turn off onto a bridge or an exit, because it’s just like in the movies when 5-6 planes sheer off a big formation and go diving into action.

High beams are your guns, so at night if you see an oncoming vehicle flashing their brights at you, you need to immediately snap into evasive maneuvers (quick lane change) and open fire on them by flicking brights on and off rapidly, and swirving thru lanes as frequently as possible to avoid being hit.

If you wreck your car while driving or the police pull you over, consider it like crash landing in enemy territory and instead of exchanging information, try to sneak off unseen into the darkness of nearby woods or alleyways. Forage for fruits and berries to survive until the coast is clear is highly reccomended.
November 23, 2008

Reverse Pickpocket
November 16, 2008

How cool would that be to become a target of? Has anybody considered this? I think it should executed for comical purposes.

Being the distraught victim of pickpocketer = not fun. Being the artistic canvas for a reverse pickpocketer = laughs all around. People arriving home from a long day of work emptying out there pockets, only to wonder how these dentures got in there jorts. How did this “Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits” album get in my purse? Why is there a Craig T. Nelson’s “Most Memorable ‘Coach’ Moments” DVD in my backpack?

Could the same be done with reverse shoplifting? Say you are in self produced band with a stack of freshly recorded CD’s, and no label to distribute. Would it be wrong (legal) to sneak your music into music stores? Not necessarily to get any money (since you wouldn’t) but as a promotional tool to get your band name out there. Maybe if you were caught by authorities it would be considered littering? or at extreme, fraud?

Caution would need to taken in either situation. I remember there was a problem with product tampering a few years back. Someone was poisoning meds and putting the containers back on the shelves. When you go out of your way to do something that looks suspicious, don’t complain when someone treats you that way. Putting CD onto a shelf may not look as bad as putting an aspirin bottle, it still looks bad. If somebody feels you reach into their purse or backpack, it would be very hard to explain yourself.

When I am finished writing this, I will probably discover on Google that people are doing these things already. I am sure I am not the first person to think of this.

It has been brought to my attention that the King of burgers has already been doing this delightful scheme all across America. Maybe one day soon YOU will find a King in you pocket, although I would personally prefer Evangeline Lilly.
For The Lazy
November 9, 2008

Ridiculous Wealth
November 6, 2008

I thought to myself, if I were to be ridiculously rich, wasteful, and didn’t care what anybody of anything thought of me. What are some things I might do?

- I would wear a new pair of socks everyday. Nothing beats the feeling of new socks. Not some cheap WalMart sock, I’m talking top of the line pima Egyptian Cotton. Hand woven in my basement every morning.

- I would hire James Earl Jones to do all my talking for me. And David Attenborough to read wikipedia articles to me at night as I sleep on my chinchilla furred mattress.

- I would get my favorite musical artist to follow me around, so when my cellphone gets a call, they would play the ringtone.

- I would buy the worlds largest carbonado diamond, and use it to crack open my pecan shells.

- I would park my Porsche anywhere I pleased. On stairs, right on the sidewalk at stores, through a window and into the buildings lobby. If the car gets towed or scratched in the process, I would just buy another.

- Fresh free flowing aquafer spring waterfall as a shower/urinal.

- Waterslides instead of stairs in my house.

- Put a moat around my house, with two authentic armored knights standing guard at all times.

- I would leave my car running all the time so that when I got into it, the temperature would always be perfect. I would need to fill my tanks up several times a day, but that is ok.

Take some time out for yourself today, and ponder this question.
7-Minute Comic
October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!
What is an Operator
October 26, 2008

I accidently went a day without my cellphone recently. It was a blessing and a curse. It was nice not receiving calls at anygiven moment of the day, or letting the FBI eavesdrop on me. But when I needed to make my first call of the day, I resorted to using a payphone (thankfully the older technology is still in place) and in the process I felt like such an historical badass, but that quickly wore off once I started getting looks from people. It would be comparable to a CEO of a large automobile company having to ride a horse drawn chariot to work, because his car wouldn’t start. It wasn’t something he planned on or wanted to do but did not have any choice, and thankfully in his case (much like mine), the older technology of horses were still available for use in such emergency circumstances. And during the process of just trying to get to work, this CEO would get lots of looks and stares, along with some whispering and pointing.

This is exactly what happened to me, and how I felt. But without the horses, or the chariot, or the CEO status. Standing next to a busy road, outside of a gas station. I see the phone up ahead, it is calling to me, Collect. I put my hand on the grimey over touched phone. I had to wonder, as I wrapped my hand around it; They probably make these phones black so you don’t see how nasty they really are. It was soothing in a strange unexplainable way, like spontaneously running into a longtime friend you only see every 5 years or so. A friend who doesn’t bathe, and is always hitting you up for money. And this so called “friend” charges me $1.50 for a five minute conversation. On top of all of this he is a soft talker, so what short amount of time we talk most of it is unintelligible.

I imagine this is why we don’t get any time travelers from the future.
Dream Dresses
October 19, 2008

I am a longtime advocate of practicing lucid dreaming. I have not yet achieved a great level of expertise in the matter, but I certainly practice. I read message boards for tips, and I always tryout new ideas and methods to achieve lucidity. So far, most are with only minor success. Maybe the problem is that I am using OTHER peoples methods, I needed to come up with my own method that might help me. I did, but now looking back it seems just a little dumb, but I was desperate. I called it Preemptive Dream Dressing (PDD). The goal is simple, you dress for the occasion. You go to bed dressed as, and with the mindset of whatever it is you want to be in your dream state.

I didn’t have much to work with at first, only my basic daily clothes. I could put those on but then I would be going to bed as myself, and that wouldn’t be fun at all. I already have to be myself full-time. If I were dream as myself, my dreams would probably be about me choosing out a toothpaste at the grocery store, or stuck at red traffic light, trying to convince myself to go though it. That the circumstances were right just this once for me to break the law and go through.

I had to scavenge around the house to find items that might help me. For an example, my first experiment I became a cowboy (I am so original, I know). I wore a handkerchief and a cowboy hat. I wrapped the handkerchief around my neck, and obviously it would be a little hard to sleep while wearing a cowboy hat on your head. So I did like in the movies and I put over my face. I donned a little lime green plastic water pistol at my side, for protection, fully loaded. Now that I was physically ready I had to get into the mindset (this is sort of using the WILD dreaming technique). I imagined the smell of dirt, the sound of spittoons filling the air, a fear of Jessie James appearing at any given moment, and an overwhelming urge to start a saloon brawl. And I peacefully drifted to sleep.

My second and third attempts, with different outfits, were also unsuccesful. Updated by request:
As I mentioned earlier, I didnt have much to work with. I was not going to go out and buy spiderman pajamas, or scuba gear to experiment with.
My second outfit I dressed as one of the Blues Brothers. The hat, glasses, a tie. And went to sleep with blues playing on the stereo. I dont know what I expected out of it, but the movie was good. Maybe a night of comic relief? I even had fried chicken and dry white toast with my dinner that night. Third. Probably had the least effort put into a theme. An old halloween wolf-man mask, slinky, plugged in lava lamp, glow in the dark toy sword, and I taped part of an empty cocoa puffs cereal box around my forearm.

The easiest is to probably go to sleep nude, and dream about you know… being a nude super hero. But if that is the case, you could apply the nude factor to anything, nude astronaut, nude forklift operator, nude sandwich artist. Thus destroying my theory.
Food For Thought, or Indigestion
October 16, 2008

How about this for your next hungerful adventure through the fridge. A hamburger with grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. Sounds good does it not? I know.

You could of course add your usual toppings if you so incline. Mustard, maynoise, ketchup, lettuce, more cheese? Whatever toppings you like.

If you do indeed make one of these beasts, send me some pictures. I would love to see the results, and get your opinion on how it tastes.
His Less Popular Cousin
October 14, 2008

Nostrildamus, he can predict any sneeze about to occur anywhere and at anytime.

He is known for being a little snotty though.
Testament to Nature
October 12, 2008

I don’t usually expect to be enlightened when I am munching on a fast food cheeseburger. But today was different.

I was sitting at a picnic table outside a local burger joint, eating my food as fast as I could; because I was running late to where I needed to be. All that was on my mind was bite, chew, taste, look at watch, blink, repeat. My repetition was interrupted when a group of grackles (black birds) ambushed a table across the way from me, which had previously been occupied by a family. They had left food remnants scattered about the picnic table.

The birds flew in and got to work. A couple of the birds flew onto the table, a few more onto the ground below the table where there was a puddle of water. The birds atop the table flung french frys over the edge, the birds on the ground would pick them up and drop them into the puddle of water (to soak and possibly soften up? easier to swallow? remove the salt?). This would go on until there were enough frys for the group to munch on from the puddle. There were also a few freelance fry dunkers, who took the whole procedure into there own hands (beaks) and did the fry retrieval and dunking all for themselves. The process was quite amazing, and fun to watch. The birds were very efficient at the task. They displayed teamwork, and selflessness. Do the birds know something we dont? Are there eating habits evolved beyond ours? Forget my own saliva usage, I will drop my food into puddles from now one. It will impress the ladies on a first date.

I am no sciencetichian, although I pretend to be. But this made me wonder if I was missing out on something all of these years. I have seen humans dunk there frys into milkshakes, or put them in a burger. Are our feathered compadres onto something?